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The Affordable Boat Act: Every citizen MUST purchase a new boat by April 2014

Brilliant satire written by Right Punditry

The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: “The Affordable Boat Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014.

These “affordable” boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have an “affordable” boat of their own, because everyone is entitled to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 “free” life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined, and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can’t). If you don’t want or don’t need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert or urban areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn’t know the difference between the port, starboard or stern sides of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat, and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has outlived its usefulness, or if you must purchase specific accessories (like a $500 compass), or a newer and more expensive boat.

Those who can afford yachts will be required to do so…it’s only fair.

The government will also decide the name for each boat.

Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of taxpayers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations are also exempt.

      • corybantic

        So apt…it’s scary.

      • Brandon Casteel

        With this + the whole NSA thing, I’m getting a pretty distinct “1984″ vibe. Not just me, right?

        • William Stone

          Well, considering that the NSA has FIVE BILLION TERABYTES of storage at the Utah data center — enough storage for about a terabyte of info on every human being on the PLANET — yes, the “1984 vibe” is entirely apropos.

          • Jacob Brown

            shit they have 5 billion teras? D: im only at 4tb :( better keep upgrading >.<

        • College Geek

          No….you’re not alone. I’d add the IRS scandal to that list too.

      • scouch

        I am waiting on the Affordable Gun Act!!

      • conservative2012

        So if one already had a boat, and they liked that boat, could they keep that boat?

        • Roy D Carlson

          NO, because the government says that you don’t truly like the boat, that it’s a horrible boat for you, and that their overpriced (oops…affordable) boat is better for you, you just don’t realize it because you’re a stupid fisherman. You need the government to think for you in boating matters!

      • Yeah I Said It

        But if I’m imprsoned for not owning a boat, then I still won’t have to own a boat. Winning!

      • Charlie Saldana

        I already have a boat,and if anybody needs a boat to survive,but can’t afford one,too bad,just shit and die.
        Isn’t great?

      • PuppyTears Rawr

        You forgot that the point of sail system for the required boats constantly crashes.

      • Frank

        This is the stupidest analogy ever.

      • Randy Hoggarth

        Way to show how completely ignorant you are

      • Conservefreedom

        Is this analogy, point by point, akin to the ACA? Not in the least. Is it meant to create thought? I would argue yes.

      • Terry Brown

        Dumb…even the satire is dumb. People not having health care is hurts all of us financially. No tie in to the boat satire angle.

        • Your Mom

          Yes, Thanks to this administration, People not having health care DOES hurt us all financially…

        • billy

          you sir, are an idiot. That is all

      • gson97

        Funny!! :)

      • godislawIloveoklahoma

        yeah this is awful. i’m more than happy to poke fun as well as have fun poked back at me, but this doesn’t work. awful comparison as other have pointed out. swing and a miss